Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye
by aedy
Summary: 4th Part in the "BABY PENGUIN SERIE"  "So you're leaving me for a 'what if?"


_If you must go, I won't tell you no,  
Just so that we can say we tried.  
Tell me you'll love me for a million years.  
Then if it don't work out,  
Then you can tell me goodbye. _

He doesn't tell Blaine that he wants to go back to his school until the very last moment. He's been thinking a lot lately: about what it means going back, accepting Dave Karofsky's apology and, above all, about the doubts that Puck and Finn's words left in his mind. He doesn't know if it's actually going to work out, because Puck did write him part of a song and Finn did tell him that pretty much everyone at New Directions kind of got what was going on with Puck at Regionals, but he's still scared of making a mistake and Puck is still not answering his calls and texts. However, despite all the doubts, he still feels that this is the best thing he can do at the moment. He'll think about Puck and sorting things with him later.

It's Friday and the last bell of the day is about to ring and on Monday... On Monday Kurt will be back where he really belongs. The only people that know he's going back, are Finn, Mercedes, Burt and Carole and he made them promise not to tell anyone.

His eyes go to Blaine sitting in the first row writing down notes, Kurt has been drawing clothes in his notebook throughout the whole day because what's the point now? He won't need the notes of this lesson or of any other's for that matter.

When the bell finally rings, Blaine is there in a moment, extending his hand, waiting for Kurt to take it and Kurt can't. When his eyes find his boyfriend's they both know it's over.

"What's going on?" Blaine's voice in uncertain and the fake smile on his face betrays his thoughts.

The other students leave the classroom and Wes tells them to hurry up but Blaine and Kurt ignore him until they are the only ones standing in the room.

"I'm leaving."

Blaine frowns. "Leaving?"

"This is my last day. I'm going back to McKinley and..."

"What? Kurt why didn't you tell me?"

Kurt shrugs and lowers his gaze. "I don't know. I was trying to figure things out."

Blaine wants to shake some sense into him but Kurt is standing there staring at the floor, hugging himself and he looks kind of broken. "What happened? Ever since Regionals you look different. Is this because we lost and you want to go to Nationals?"

Kurt looks up at him and he wants to slap him so bad in that moment because suddenly he's angry; angry with himself and with Karofsky, and with Puck that doesn't call him back and with Blaine that doesn't get him. "What kind of person do you think I am, Blaine?"

"I..."

"Look, winning was important to me, that's not a secret, but I came here because I was scared. Do you really think I'd just go back for a competition?"

Blaine lowers his gaze feeling guilty for what he said. "I'm sorry."

"It's just..." Kurt trails off and closes his eyes for a moment to calm himself down. Finally, he opens his eyes again and looks straight at his boyfriend. "Blaine, what the hell are we doing here?"

"Kurt..."

"You were in love with that guy from Gap a little over a couple of months ago and I told you I had feelings for you but we got back at acting like nothing had changed, like we were just friends and that was all. We pretended that there was nothing and maybe there wasn't." Tears well up in his eyes and Kurt closes his hands into tight fists and steps back when Blaine reaches out.

Blaine's hand freezes midair before he lowers it again.

"And maybe you never realized that being with Rachel, singing to that guy, telling me that I was being like Karofsky, that I was trying too hard, that I didn't know how to be sexy and singing with me knowing how I felt while you acted like nothing was going on, was actually hurting me, but it did and..." Kurt shrugs and shakes his head. "And I have the problem of always falling in love with whoever shows me kindness. And you were there, the first open gay boy I ever met and I let myself be carried away and I let myself think that what you told me before kissing me was enough but it wasn't."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Blaine looks at Kurt like he doesn't know who that boy is and feels like yelling and throwing things around.

"You should have realized I was right for you when you got to know me and not because of a song that made you feel like you were in love with me or something."

"But I meant every word I said, Kurt!" he shouts.

"I know but... but Blaine you're not good for me. You make me feel like I'm not enough, like I don't measure up and..." He sighs, feeling tired and drained. He wants to go home and forget all about the last few months, maybe the last year, but he knows that he needs to let Blaine see his point. "Why did you pick me to sing that song with?"

Furrowing his brow in confusion, Blaine says, "I already told you, Kurt. It was because I wanted to spend some time with you."

"Exactly." Kurt nods and looks up again. "Not because of my talent and the others just said yes because we are "Blaine and the Pipes" and whatever you say it's what happens. I need someone that makes me feel like I'm important like I'm special."

"Kurt..." and it comes out resigned because one look at Kurt's determined expression, is enough to let him know that there's nothing he could say to make it right. "So, you're leaving Dalton and me because I said the wrong things?"

Kurt clears his throat before answering. "I'm leaving because I miss my friends and... and because..." he has to stop because he feels so many emotions, that he's afraid he's going to drown.

And Blaine seems to get it. His lips close into a tight line and he nods. "And because there's someone else. How is that even possible? You just told me that you wanted to be with me because I was the only openly gay kid you knew."

"And it's true, but, I have some doubts and I need to think about them."

"So think about them, but don't just break up with me and..."

"Blaine, you told me that I moved you and that you looked up and realized I was the only you were looking for and... Before you suddenly realized that, it happened the same for me."

"With someone else?"

"Yes."

"And you forgot the feelings you had for me."

"I'm seventeen, Blaine, I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time and I'm just trying to give it my best shot and I just know that he made me feel sexy and... and kind of important." Kurt feels the emotions getting bigger and bigger and he's starting to feel overwhelmed but he pushes them back and goes on because he has to finish, to get everything out in the open so he can move on; so they can _both_ move on. "And I know how it feels when something starts because I can't help developing a crush on everyone that is kind with me, and this feels different so I at least know that it's not just because he made me feel special. I kissed you back and I shouldn't have."

"And it took you a month to come to this conclusion?"

"I needed to think. I don't know what's going to happen with him but just like I tried to be with you, I want... I want to try to talk to him and," he shrugs and sighs. "I don't know, I guess I want to ask him if I'm making everything up in my mind or if what he told me and what I saw in his eyes were signs of some kind of feelings he could have for me."

"So you're leaving me for a 'what if'?"

Kurt shakes his head. "No. I'm leaving you because what kind of relationship could we build when I have doubts and we started it all off because you had a sudden connection with me based on a song I sang for a dead bird? This can't be right for either of us."

"Kurt..." Blaine sighs and looks at Kurt for a moment. Then, he shakes his head and steps away, putting distance between himself and his first boyfriend. He didn't want to start anything between them because he feared screwing up their friendship, and he suddenly realizes that he should have stick to that. He walks over to the door not wanting to keep listening to Kurt. Maybe they were both naive for thinking that their first relationship could actually grow into something unbreakable. He glances at him and hesitates for a moment. "Good luck," he whispers, before stepping out of the classroom.


End file.
